it only works if you talk back.

It’s ridiculous how fast these last few weeks have passed. It’s also ridiculous how much has happened in the last few weeks, even days. I’m 5 days away from being done school for another year. I sent in my final assignment, and now all I have to do is study for 4 exams next week. That’s gonna suck, but oh well.

5 days from now.

Today is April 15th. I have to file taxes within 15 days, I have 2 days to finish a final assignment, I have 4 final exams to study for, and yet I don’t seem to give a crap about any of those things. This, my friends, is not a good thing. Sure, my self-worth is not determined by my grades, and tax evasion is pretty low on my list of worst sins, but that lack of motivation is terrible. I think I probably wrote the same thing, around the same time last year… let me check (checking… checking…) scratch that… it was last semester. It’s always a struggle to finish well, to not simply coast along and let the hard work of the past few months carry me through to the end of the year. I mean, really… there is only like a week left of this crap for another 4 months. That’s awesome!

Yet while I cannot wait for this semester, and school year, to be over… there is still a sense that I can’t wait for next September (I have also just realized that I’ve used ellipses way too many times already… I need to find better punctuation) I know what you’re thinking: what a complete and utter nerd fest. It’s probably true, I do enjoy many things about school, and I am a big nerdy nerderson. But the point of that being that there certainly are things in my life that I look forward to.

I look forward to ending this semester well. I look forward to seeing friends graduate. I look forward to starting my most awesome bug job. I look forward to beginning my 22nd year on this planet. I look forward to ending the bug job after an awesome, but draining 2 months. I look forward to becoming a shift supervisor at my Starbucks. I look forward to going to see Rob Bell in August. I look forward to taking the week after off of work and perhaps making a trip down to Seattle or Portland. I look forward to returning to school in September, seeing friends again, and learning new things once more. I look forward to all of these things and so much more. I don’t actually think about that enough. I don’t reflect on how many things I’m thankful for in this life.

So I think my new motto is that “I look forward.” Not in the sense that I ignore what is behind, because that is also important, but my focus is never there. My past may shape me, but it does not define me. My mistakes teach me, but they do not control me. Instead I look forward to the person I choose to become in this moment. I look forward to the man of God that I strive to be.

And right now, I look forward to going to bed.